My head was spinning
I felt like I was completely losing control
My human self wanted to panic
with fear of what was happening
In a room full of people I thought I was going to leave my body
My friend grabbed my hand and dragged me out into the fresh air as I laid down to breathe
Just breathe Lyn, she said
“WTF happened” I thought
I experience this type of dizziness when I am sensitive to energy but this was the most intense it had been and it would not stop
It was like everything in my brain was flickering
And I wanted to cry and scream “what the fuck is happening to me, I can’t handle this!”
But I knew this was connected to the awareness, expansion and spiritual rebirth/ ego death I was entering
The night before I had had an “episode” in my sleep. Bolting upright in terror, still asleep, my body in panic. My friend grabbing me to calm me down and I woke up not knowing what had just happening only hearing the words
“just breathe Lyn it’s ok”.
So now my second episode and again hearing the words “just breathe”,
Confused but knowing at the same time
It really began a few weeks ago when I had this overwhelming desire to experience God aka source energy in new ways. I even wrote the words “I want to merge more into source”. I wanted to experience more oneness and less separation between myself and the energy of God.
And when I wrote it, when I said it, when I thought it, I didn’t really understand what that actually meant, what that actually took, what that actually would mean I need to let go of.
Fast forward to be sitting on the plane to LA, feeing emotional, not knowing why, just knowing I was about to embark on something massive, mixed with the strangest and most unpleasant feeling that I was going to die while I was here in LA. Conversations I had before I left felt like completions. People said Goodbye like it was the last they would see of me. Words were expressed by me that I questioned.
Am I really going to die?
Is my time here up?
And I was scared
Not because I was scared of death but because I didn’t want to go
I didn’t want to leave people
I didn’t want to be responsible for their pain
I could feel their pain and I was projecting my beliefs or lack of belief that they will be ok.
As I expressed this all to my friend he knowingly smiled
“I already had this download about you”, he said
He unraveled the deep rooted fear behind all this, that really I was stuck in control. As faithful and committed to God I am I was in disbelief that the highest good would be done. I struggled to see outside the hell certain people in my family where already in and felt my departure would add to this.
So if I was in disbelief that God could heal these dynamics in my family I was trying to be God.
But this type of control, disbelief and fear could not exist within my desire to merge more with God.
Be careful what you wish for, is what came to mind
We can say statements not really understanding what they mean
They can feel like light fluff
Although the desire was true and far from fluff I don’t think I really knew what it meant
And I was definitely not sure if I was ready to fully experience this desire!
I was embarking on death, but it was not a a physical death although it has been affecting my physical body
It was a death of ego, death of identity, death of control, death of attachment
I have been through versions of this in the past but this was another level
One in which I am still not sure if I am ready for
But I agree to surrender
Surrender in a way I had not done before
and my body as given me test runs
I have had to surrender and stop controlling my body when I have been sick over the past few days
I had to surrender when my head was spinning and give in to the feeling that I may just pass out in front of a room full of people at Oren’s party (the one I flew in for!)
I had to surrender when I was jolted awake in a panic even though I was petrified at what had happened
And I had to be willing to die
Because when we face our fear of death we master living
So if you have asked for “more flow”
or had a desire to dive deeper into spiritual connected with people or with God
If you want to experience Oneness,
ask yourself how committed are you really?
Spirituality has become cool but let’s get real,
What are you really willing to let go of?
How much are you fighting for your need to be right and your need to control?
Will you actually make a stand for your soul?
and can you honestly say you are ready to face death?
This is the committed to growth I have, and yes there are times where it feels like it’s too much, and I fight it all the time, but I know I am here to experience heaven on earth. I know I am here to be a demonstration of this in my life and to teach it to others and I know I am here to play with more people with this commitment.
The dress rehearsal is over
It’s time to die
Transcend the ego
Bringing heaven to earth