I have spent my life feeling like an Alien
I often feel like I don’t know how to operate in this world like everyone else.
I have never understood what people label as “love” and how they chose to express their love in romantic relationships
This type of “Love” seems like fear to me
It seemed like attachment and control
Yet people are falling “in love” so easily
It seemed like something I was failing at because I couldn’t be like them
I was told I was too fussy
I was told I must be doing something wrong
I was always this great mystery
Because noone could figure out why I didn’t want to be like them
“You’re so pretty”, they’d say
“You’re the perfect package, how can you not be married with kids by now” they’d ask
“Why they hell are you single” they’d query
I was questioned every day and made to feel bad about my life through their pity and exclusion.
I didn’t quite understand how I felt. I didn’t really understand why I didn’t want what they had.
It just never felt right to me. Back then I couldn’t explain it. I just knew I couldn’t be like them.
So without this clarity I started to believe there was something wrong with me
I started to believe I couldn’t have what I wanted
It became ingrained in me, that I was different and most of us don’t like to be different
I was made to feel like a fool for my desires for something else, something more.
I would find myself attracted to men that couldn’t commit
Men that were womanisers
Men that lived in different countries
So of course there was something wrong with me I thought (and was told)
I always thought that the attraction was because I wanted what I couldn’t have because I of a deep rooted wound
I thought the attraction was because of something deep inside of me that was scared
I thought it was all because I was screwed up and didn’t feel good enough and I couldn’t figure it out because I didn’t actually have those thoughts that I wasn’t good enough.
I spent a decade doing deep soul searching trying to find the root of this wound.
Going to coaches and healers and whoever else could help me
Until very recently when this deep rooted wound came up through a man that I love but am not committed to, and all I could do was surrendered to God to show me what exactly it was.
I knew I was dancing around the root and “working” on the wrong thing.
Then it hit me and made total sense, why all these years I attracted what came into my life
It wasn’t completely a negative “not feeling worthy” aspect of me that was attracting these people
It was the expanded aspect that saw into the souls of those that were struggling to fit into the norm.
When I looked at each of these men, I could see they were amazing, but they too had this same frequency of not wanting what wasn’t working…
I was attracted to those also trying to break free from old paradigms (although admittedly,some not in the most transparent way)
I didn’t want convention
I didn’t want the paradigm of relationships that the world is seeing breakdown
I didn’t want someone committed to their fears and attachments and false perception of love
My soul was calling out to lead the way in a new paradigm of relationships. My soul was seeking those that understand what this even is. Most of us that resonate with this don’t even know on an intellectual level what this really means, but we feel what it’s not and we are getting closer to what it is.
The world’s idea of relationships is falling apart.
The old paradigm is not working,
Just look around you and see all these amazing couples breaking up.
Human consciousness is shifting so old structures are no longer serving people. People are waking up to their hearts true desires and seeing the illusion of what they fell into.
So people that know me and know part of my current situation can judge and have their opinons but my soul choose this because I walk through the fire of my ego’s illusions to transcend the old paradigm.
I’ve called in a “non-relationship” that brings me to my knees in pain often as my soul battles my head.
But I commit to what many would be terrified to even look at…
Love that is not limited
Love with no attachment
Love with no agenda
Love with no label
Love without jealousy
Love without boundaries
Love that is inclusive of all
Love that is completely connected with God,
And some days this desire, that I don’t always understand feels like torture, it feels like I am slowly clawing my own heart out, and other days it’s spectacular and expansive and feels like the type of joy so many don’t believe exists on this earth…. Every ounce of pain is worth what my body, mind and soul has transcended and the joy it’s brought me….
All I know it is what my soul chose for this life and on the contracted days the way through the pain is through God. I don’t commit to relationships. I commit to God.
I honour and am inspired by all those that go against the grain
To all those committed to their souls purpose and path in this life
Whether that be in relationships or in other areas of life
I honour all of you who may be judged for your choices
And to all those that are willing and able to love fiercely without limits.
Together we create heaven on earth and one day very soon it will make sense, it will be worth the fire.